From religion to responsibility
I had a religious upbringing. Both my parents are born-again Christians and they raised my siblings and I in Christianity. We had one very important rule, that we should all go to church every Sunday so long as we are living under our parent’s roof. I remember not always being willing to go, but I did anyway for the sake of peace. looking back, I was mostly looking forward to meeting my friends to catch up on how our lives are going, and also singing. Somehow I was never fully present in the church, something was not right within me. I had no idea why, but I ignored that feeling and continued going, even though most Sundays I would not listen to the sermon. I’d be busy taking many bathroom breaks or simply just sitting in the car with my friends chatting. My motivation for going to church was completely misplaced. I was serious only when I needed help with something in my life, which was mostly about getting better grades. That was my main reason for praying back then.
When I got to high school, I decided to finally accept Christ and be born again. I had gathered around me many friends who were born again, I guess I felt left out. I also thought that maybe if nimeokoka,(a Swahili word that means being born again) I would pass my exams and get to do a good course. It’s quite obvious to see now that I was mainly driven by external things back then. My idea of well-being was passing exams to qualify for a good course, then qualify for a dope job afterward. This, among other obvious things like health for myself and the people I care about, was my main reason for praying and overall being a good Christian. Fortunately, I did pass my exams and qualified for a good course. This is where the problem begins. I was not fulfilled.
Naturally, my interest in the church began to fade slowly. I joined university, started living alone, and with time, I completely stopped going to church altogether. I realized that my reasons for going are mainly influenced by other people and that was not worth it to me.
For years I was lost. Life did the thing. You can read about my life lifing on my blog here, you’ll have a rough idea of what I mean. My life became all about the pursuit of money and happiness, driven by the things I was lacking in life. I wanted money so bad, and while I did manage to find something that sustained me, I was still not happy or fulfilled. I wondered why I still felt an emptiness after finally managing to make some money. I found myself totally depressed, doing something for money that was not enjoyable to me at all. What was the point of all the seeking and researching I was doing? When the money did come, I felt worse than I was when pursuing it. WHY?
One day I decided enough is enough. I decided to admit to myself that I could be wrong. If you are the kind of person who thinks that answers to your burning questions will happen if you do a lot of research on google or wherever else, I’d like to challenge that opinion. It is usually not easy to admit when we are wrong. If we do, then it means our ego has been humbled by some event. I was completely humbled, and I finally admitted to myself that I do not know anything. In my quest for knowledge, money, and happiness, I ended up empty. It belittled my mind so bad that I thought I was stupid for trusting its limited content.
“I do not know” is by far the biggest possibility. I learnt this the hard way, but it was absolutely worth it. Once I admitted this to myself, I found the path of Yoga, and my whole perspective of life changed completely. It is on this path that I continue to find myself. Religion teaches us belief, which is essentially recognizing that we do not know, but we believe anyway. This must have been my problem with religion. My wanting to know cuts very deep, so anything that does not make sense to me I naturally shun. I used my longing to know in the wrong way, by gathering information thinking it would one day make sense and bring well-being. Let’s be honest, we are all seeking well-being. Whatever way we do it, we could be going to church, smoking pot, drinking, venting, praying, playing, studying, exercising… the list could go on and on. we are just seeking well-being.
In my experience, the path of yoga has brought immense well-being. For the first time in my life, I had an inner experience, which to this day has never left me, but only becomes stronger with daily practice. I have understood that my life is of my own making and that I am responsible for everything in my life. whenever I get sick I know I am responsible, not God, the devil, or anyone else. The responsibility of my life has shifted from the heavens to myself. I no longer believe that anyone or anything else is responsible for my life, It is my Karma. This kind of mindset developed itself with daily practice of yoga, and as a result, I feel more joyful and capable.
It is my wish and blessing that you too, will find your way in life’s rollercoaster of events. Keep in mind that an inner experience is necessary because establishing a connection to your inner being will provide the guidance needed to navigate this world. If you have a burning longing for this inner experience, go ahead and register for inner engineering, a potent process of inner transformation offered by my guru, Sadhguru.
